


Holding Back

by shiritori



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, KH3 Spoiler Free, Vague Suicidal Ideation, data fights are real and this is why, major character death is for the data organization not any of the characters themselves, mild violence, the leaisa elements are pretty minor it can also be seen as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 07:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17545730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiritori/pseuds/shiritori
Summary: While searching for Isa in the remnants of Radiant Garden, Lea winds up in the Garden of Assemblage. There he fights the data Organization in hopes of settling past scores and gaining the closure he needs to move forwards. Set between Dream Drop Distance and KH3. Spoilers for DDD but not KH3.





	Holding Back

It was a morbid sort of curiosity that drew Lea back to the Garden of Assemblage.

 

He had scoured all the worlds within his range, but to no avail. Isa was nowhere to be found. Braig’s mysterious absence upon awakening in the lab paired with Saix appearing alongside the vessels of Xehanort led him to believe that Isa had been taken by force after being reborn. Lea refused to believe that he would have gone willingly. The ruins of Radiant Garden were a primary target in his search efforts, and it had taken him nearly a month to comb through the entire city. He had already gone through the Cavern of Remembrance and this was one place he had yet to check. He didn’t expect to find anything here, but no matter how small the chance he had to take it. Lea didn’t have a choice, at this point. He would find him, no matter what. Isa needed to get out before it was too late. Before Xehanort dominated his mind completely. Before he was met with an opponent who assumed he was too far gone and showed no mercy. Before his piece was sacrificed so the king could survive. He wanted nothing more than to fight alongside Isa and destroy the man who had uprooted their lives and trapped them in hell. Lea knew it was possible. Isa had despised their situation as much as he did. All he needed was a chance to talk to him. One more chance to get through and he knew he could fix things. Time was of the essence and the resulting stress was driving Lea up the wall. Between rigorous training sessions and the frenzied search that consumed his downtime, he was stretched to the limit. The dawn of every uneventful day added to the crushing weight that hung low in his chest. As usual he tried to pass it off with sharp words and a smile, but it was a weak facade. Acting had always been one of his natural talents, so he was caught off guard by how severely this whole ordeal had been affecting him. He supposed this was only to be expected, considering a decade’s worth of repressed emotions were now hitting him full force. The floodgates had been opened, and it was all he could do to try and stay afloat.

 

“Hey, you’ll be fine.” The sympathy in Sora’s voice was clear, and though he appreciated the sentiment Lea couldn’t help but feel sick at the forced positivity.

 

“You know it. I’ve gotten pretty mean with a blade, remember?” He waved his arm and felt the now familiar weight settle in his palm. Lea had long since grown used to burns, but nonetheless he was grateful for the padded gloves he had retained from his time in the Organization.

 

Sora appeared unconvinced. “I know you can fight, it’s just--” Now he wasn’t even trying to hide his worried frown. “You don’t have to. If you’re not up for it. I already cleared the room when I first found it so I know I can--”

 

“Jeez, did Kairi tell you to baby me?” Lea cut him off with a step towards the awaiting portals. 

 

“No. But she cares about you too. We all do.”

 

Lea paused, shooting a glance at Sora trailing behind him. Truthfully, being treated with so much consideration after years of coldness still came as a shock. “Thanks. But I..need to do this, I think.” He cringed at his own lack of confidence.

 

“Got it,” Sora grinned, taking a seat on the stairway. He seemed oblivious to Lea’s wavering tone. “I’ll be out here if you need backup.” Lea had always hated to see him sad, so the shift in mood was a relief. It felt uncharacteristic for a kid normally so joyful. Besides, that slight frown struck him with a familiar feeling of loss. He had quickly grown fond of Sora, but he couldn’t help seeing Roxas reflected in many of his actions. Empathetic as always, Sora had been quite understanding of the situation. He had always considered Roxas a separate person in his own right, and had said that if Lea felt the same there would be no issues. He knew all too well how it felt to lose a friend, after all. 

 

Lea made his way across the room in a clockwise fashion, hopping from portal to portal and occasionally taking a few moments to chat with Sora and recuperate. The fights against Xemnas and Xigbar were particularly cathartic, albeit challenging. The Garden of Assemblage had been constructed during early years of the Organization, back when their operations were still confined to the labs within Hollow Bastion castle. This room was the result of experiments regarding the manipulation of data into physical form. Lea was never too interested in magic tech jargon, but he gathered the gist of it from his recollection of the time. Vexen had put a strange tracking spell on Axel and instructed him to go about missions as usual for a few days. The data collected from his fighting habits would be used to craft an AI version of himself. Due to the limited knowledge and resources of the time these models were confined to their respective dimensions, rendering them useless in ordinary combat. So they were repurposed as training dummies. In retrospect, there was definitely something unsettling about routinely slicing through your supposed comrades for target practice. Fighting a past version of himself was even more odd. He could not only feel but  _ see _ the ways his movements had shifted to accommodate the new weapon. Switching from dual wielding to a single blade had resulted in a pretty drastic change in form, though his overall style was still the same. Winning against his clone brought him an overwhelming rush of pride. He had changed and perhaps that was for the best. Self-improvement was a never-ending process, one that Lea would continue to strive for.

 

Twelve fights passed by far more quickly than one would expect. For Lea, at least. He was sure Sora was bored out of his mind sitting in the same room with infrequent company for hours on end. Lea had told him he could go back at any time, but Sora was determined to stay. He was still concerned, no doubt. Sora and everyone else on the team knew the basic details of the past between him and Isa. He had felt obligated to explain after they assisted in his initial panicked search efforts without question. Recounting how they had lost their hearts and gradually grown apart during the decade spent under the Organization was somewhat humiliating at first, but of course everyone had been supportive. Lea discovered a newfound sense of strength in having such an open reason for fighting. He wanted to shout it to the world: he would always be there to bring his friends back. Roxas was safe within Sora’s heart, so Isa was the one who needed him now. It was with this determination in mind that he stepped through the one portal he had skipped over in his initial sweep across the room.

 

Even back then he had avoided Saix’s door. There had been no need to use it, as they were still close for those first few years. Whenever he wanted to spar he need only ask. Despite this, Axel had set foot in there once before. Shortly before everything fell apart. He was blinded by anger, and didn’t realize the true significance of his actions until he was already in the room and fighting for his life.

 

_ Look at me,  _ he had screamed, desperate for any sort of acknowledgement. He was sick of everything and wanted answers. Real ones, not deflections or echoes of what had been beaten into their heads for years. He wanted to know why Saix was pushing him away, how much of himself was left behind that piercing amber. He needed an explanation for how this could hurt so much when he shouldn’t be feeling it in the first place. But of course, the data figure only snarled in response. A mechanical reply, one that stung more than the humiliation of defeat ever could.

 

It was in this moment, with cold steel resting flat against his throat, that Axel realized he had been played for a fool all these years. 

 

_ ‘Don’t go easy on me!’ _

 

_ ‘You know it.’ _

 

Lies. Saix had never fought with the intention to truly hurt him. Even when he wanted Axel to believe it.

 

_ ‘Why do you never fucking  _ **_talk_ ** _ to me!?’ _ __   
  


_ ‘You think any of this can be fixed with simple conversation?’ _

 

_ ‘No, you’re right. That only works when there’s effort on both sides.’ _

 

_‘My presence before you is a testament to the effort_ _I have put into this plan.’_

 

_ ‘Selling what’s left of your soul was for the plan? Bullshit. Get your damn priorities straight.’ _

 

_ ‘As if I had a choice. Had I not agreed, you would be bleeding out on the castle floor.’ _

 

_ ‘Anything’s better than this.’ _

 

_ ‘..I’ll make you regret those words.’ _

 

_ ‘Go ahead and try.’ _

 

Taunts, denial, blows exchanged, they had all been carefully curbed to sting rather than kill. For Axel had never once been considered a foe. He was Saix’s inexplicable weakness, as Saix was his. He had known this, and yet he was unprepared for the data copy’s attacks of ruthless abandon. This was his true strength. This was the Saix known to those unfortunate enough to wind up on the opposite side of the battlefield.

 

And this was the Saix that Lea needed to destroy. This soulless apparition before him was a nightmare that would never come to pass. He had already accepted the reality of facing Saix during the war against Xehanort, but Lea refused to believe that Isa was gone entirely. The recent encounter in the Round Room was proof enough. Saix had leaped for him and immediately locked their weapons in a silent struggle. He made no move to attack further, even though Lea was clearly caught off guard. Saix was holding back, as always. Isa was still in there. He always had been. And right now he needed Lea more than ever.

 

While Lea’s fighting style was structured around rushing the opponent and ending things as soon as possible, Saix had always found strength in stamina. The longer the fight lasted, the more power was channeled to his berserker state. Which took a greater toll on Saix after the fact, but Lea doubted the data clone suffered from such adverse effects. There was no ‘after the battle’ for a simple reconstruction of combat data. An imitation, that’s all he was. Lea ignored the tightness in his chest as he narrowly avoided a flurry of slashes raining down from above. 

 

The fight stretched on for far longer than Lea would have preferred. Saix’s style won out here, as the data figure fought with simultaneous aggression and restraint to target Lea’s lack of stamina. With every second the sense of nauseating regret grew stronger. He had expected this fight to be challenging both physically and mentally, but this was a level beyond what he had prepared for. No matter how many times he told himself otherwise, this was Isa, in a sense. It was impossible to entirely separate the two. As Saix was Isa with emotions purged and a parasite eroding his free will, the data clone was Isa’s repressed fury granted physical form. Lea had always speculated this was the truth behind berserking, but Saix refused to hear it. With this in mind there was a strange temptation to stand his ground and let the barrage of strikes land true. Anger was completely justified here. After their slow spiral downwards ending with Lea quite literally crashing and burning, Isa had the right to be mad. It would hurt, but Lea could accept the pain of being pushed away again if that was his decision. It was his choice to make, and his alone. But this wasn’t Isa. This was a fragment of a greater whole, one that Lea was never supposed to see.

 

As the finishing blow struck home, the opposing claymore raised in a parry too late glanced off Lea’s upper arm. He stood firm despite the pain, throwing his body weight forwards to bury the keyblade with a final shout. Held up by the weapon protruding from his chest, the data clone dropped his sword with a deafening clatter. The figure crumpled to the ground when Lea’s own weapon dematerialized.

 

_ ‘Wait, Lea-- stop. You’re bleeding.’ _

 

_ ‘Huh, really?’ _

 

_ ‘Your knuckles don’t hurt at all?’ _

 

_ ‘Well yeah, I did block with my hand..’ _

 

_ ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ _

 

_ ‘But I told you not to go easy on me!’ _

 

_ ‘Stop trying to hit me, dumbass. I don’t want blood on my jacket.’ _

 

_ ‘You’re no fun.’ _

 

_ ‘One of us has to keep you safe.’ _

 

Suddenly it was all too hard to breathe. Lea willed himself to move, but he stood frozen to the spot as the figure collapsed with a strangled gasp. To his abject horror, these models had been created with realism in mind. Blood seeped through the gash in the figure’s cloak and pooled at Lea’s feet. His vision blurred with tears as he forced himself to look away from the carnage. Then it was over, the figure and his sword reduced to a cloud of pixels that rose through the ceiling towards the reflection of a heart-shaped moon. The bloodstains took longer to fade, but soon they were gone as well. And for the first time since Lea had entered the room, there was silence.

 

_ ‘...I’m sorry.’ _

 

_ ‘You don’t mean that.’ _

 

_ ‘That’s not for you to decide.’ _

 

_ ‘Now who’s the one regretting things?’ _

 

_ ‘Shut your damn mouth, Lea.’ _

 

_ ‘At least you didn’t hold back this time.  _ **_Saix._ ** _ ’ _

 

_ ‘Stop trying to move--’ _

 

_ ‘You-- you act like you gave up everything to save me. And yet here I am, bleeding on the ground by your own hand.’ _

 

_ ‘You’re being overdramatic. The wounds from last week’s mission were worse than this.’ _

 

_ ‘And that’s not a problem to you?’ _

 

_ ‘We no longer have the luxury of blade guards. Or calling off the fight when injured.’ _

 

_ ‘Name one reason that prevented you from walking away here.’ _

 

_ ‘You didn’t want me to stop.’ _

 

_ … _

 

_ ‘I’m right. And that’s the issue. You know damn well I don’t like this any more than you do, but throwing your life away won’t get your heart back.’ _

 

_ ‘Are you serious? This--whatever it is-- can hardly be considered living.’ _

 

_ ‘It’s better than nonexistence.’ _

 

_ ‘You really believe that?’ _

 

_ ‘...Don’t.’ _

 

_ ‘..Sorry.’ _

 

A sob tore through the air as Lea sank to his knees. “I’m sorry,” He was already at the breaking point, and this had been the last straw. “Isa, I’m so fucking sorry.” He slammed his bloodied fists to the ground as the grief and despair he had been shoving away for months took hold of him. “I-- I just want to be with you. I love you.” Casting aside any sort of dignity he had left, Lea simply allowed himself ride the wave of emotion for the first time since he had awoken. In fact, this had been the first time he had really been alone since then. It was only now that he realized the true extent of how his new friends had worried for him. This just made him sob harder. Here there was no need to put on a brave face. He could cry without judgement, without causing worry, without those awful looks of pity.

 

“I..can’t do this without you.” He had never felt more alone as those words echoed through the empty hall.

 

Eventually he managed to haul himself to his feet, taking a few shaky steps towards the window towering overhead. “Please, Isa. Let me help you. Let me give you the strength to help yourself,” He pleaded to the moon, a false idol. And as he wiped his tears and turned to the exit, he gave a grin as triumphant as he could muster. For victory. For Sora. For Isa.

 

Somewhere far away, a man gazed up at a nearly identical moon shining above. It was not the one he had grown up with, and not the one he had bet his soul on. Why was he fighting for this moon, exactly? He was not sure. He was uncertain of a lot of things, these days. But when he smiled, he knew exactly why.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah um. H
> 
> as always, any feedback is appreciated. writing this was quite the experience so i would love to hear your thoughts, whatever they may be.
> 
> i also posted this on my tumblr over at @saixy so check that out too if you want


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